Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
