your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
