i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
