are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
