I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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