Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
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I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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