I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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