saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's the barista slut.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is the high leading the old right now
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
