ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
