I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
