Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
