2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
