wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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