yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
