its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
