I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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