i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
