So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
