oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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