I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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