You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
