so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
