shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
