We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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