does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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