Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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