so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
