I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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