We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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