Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
