Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
