i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wish there were birth control emojis
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
