My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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