I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
