u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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