It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
