I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
