Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
