Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
bring money and cleavage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
