apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
