I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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