Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
