If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
