Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
