Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
