My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
