We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
