yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
