did you get engaged???
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We are all done wearing pants today
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
