if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize