My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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