I want to have your abortion
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
