The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
