Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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