Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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