8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
