I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
