Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
